Strength in Postpartum Depression & Anxiety

My Pregnancy & Expectations

My husband and I got married in March 2020 and were very excited to start a family, I was 23 at the time and my husband was 25. We found out one year later in March 2021, that I was pregnant and we were so excited! So our pregnancy was totally planned and what we wanted and we were very happy.

Prior to getting pregnant and even at the start of my pregnancy, I had this image of what I imagined pregnancy would be. You know, like in the movies… you feel the baby start to kick, see the exciting growth on ultrasounds, all the baby weight goes only to your belly so it’s a cute bump, and you’re glowing the whole time. The image that I had for pregnancy, birth, and having a baby was much simpler than reality. I hadn’t yet learned that there is so much more to it and so many physical, hormonal, spiritual, and mental affects. So once I was in the midst of pregnancy, I was pretty caught off guard and the process was a lot harder than I expected.

Pregnancy can be very hard on the body & mind and I was very exhausted by the end. I felt so very ready for our son to be born. I remember just pleading with God to please have him be born soon, telling God I was at my limit.

But God was about to show to me how much more strength there was to be revealed.

Postpartum Intrusive Thoughts

In November 2021, we had our son and prior to having him I hadn’t heard much about postpartum depression. I had heard about baby blues but it sounded like such a sweet term and I didn’t think much of it. I assumed I wouldn’t be one of the moms to experience it and I would be just fine!

Well, our son’s birth ended up being a pretty complicated birth as it is for some families. The birth itself became very urgent with an emergency C-section… it was not the birth I had envisioned and prepared for at the birthing center. It was very stressful and scary. My brain was in shock that things did not go as I expected them to. It all felt very intense, and it was hard on me physically and mentally. However, our son was very healthy and after a couple days in the hospital, we headed home to start the adventure of caring for him at home! 

But that’s when it got even more intense. All of a sudden, we are back in our home, but now we’re parents… I had just gone through such a traumatic experience and still there was no rest. Waking all throughout the nights for feedings, no time for house cleaning, eating unhealthy, my body in pain and trying to recover, everything felt very chaotic & like survival mode. It led me to have a lot of anxiety. I was basically feeling anxious all the time, experiencing very little joy with our new son, and the anxiety felt consuming and was directing my behaviors and thoughts. I was constantly worried about our son and exhausted. I remember being awake in the middle of the night and having the thought that I wish I could go back to how my life was before… And just seeing it as an option even though it wasn’t. I voiced the thought to my husband who was also awake at the time, and he lovingly let me know that he did not feel the same as that thought. So I let it go and the thought just came and went, and I didn’t think anything of it. 

The whole experience was just not what I expected, and I didn’t know how to handle it. It was very hard for me to not be sleeping. I was also diagnosed with postpartum preeclampsia (high blood pressure caused by pregnancy) which was another physical shock so I just wasn’t feeling well overall. The whole experience felt very intense. And then about five days after having our son, I was readmitted to the hospital due to the preeclampsia as my blood pressure had gotten severely high and needed to be treated immediately.

So then I’m in the hospital being treated, my son is home with my husband and family support, and I finally have a moment to rest and be the one taken care of. It feels like a relief. I feel relieved to have a break but my mind is still searching for an option or an escape from what our life is now, or from how intense our life is now feeling. Because even though I was being taken care of and cared for, I was very frightened to be experiencing the high blood pressure as well. My whole life I had never had any major health issues and had good health. I had never had a hospitalization so this too was overwhelming and scary and my mind was just reaching its limit. 

As my mind reached its limit and searched for a solution, I had the thought to suffocate our son and bury him. This thought came and went at the time and I didn’t think much of it.

God’s Goodness

But God is so good and He knew that thought would enter my mind and He allowed it to. Because he had a plan to strengthen me. Remember? I had thought I was at my limit at the end of pregnancy, pleading with God… But God allows these moments of weakness before strength. So first He placed me in the right place at the right time with the right people, away from my son, and THEN He allowed the thought.

Later that night, after I had some sleep and had been taken care of for a while, my brain was more rested. The nursing staff had not yet taken the intake questions (another blessing of God’s timing) so they did at that time. I answered each question as the nurse went through them all and then I heard her ask “Any thoughts of hurting yourself or baby?”. And after having had that rest and my mind was thinking more clearly, I immediately broke down crying and said yes. That is when I fully realized I had had those thoughts. And it really shook me. It made me feel very fearful of myself, and I began to not trust myself. I felt ashamed and guilty. I just didn't feel well.

Getting Help

Looking back now, I see all the signs & factors that led to this intrusive thought. Traumatic birth, feelings of shock, unhealthy diet, lack of sleep, anxiety & constant worry, the first intrusive thought of wishing life could go back to how it was before. But when you’re in the midst of a storm, it’s hard to see all the signs. So I needed help. 

The hospital immediately took the steps to help me, directing me to a hospital psychiatrist to talk to and staff to assure me that this was a common feeling for new moms and it is okay. Not only did God surround me with help when the thought occurred, but for months prior I had been working at a Christian mental health office, my own boss was a wholistic psychiatrist! After speaking to him over the phone, I decided to take a more wholistic treatment approach. In the weeks that followed, I began to eat a more intentional plant-based diet and take natural supplements. I also began Cognitive Behavioral Therapy with a psychologist at our office and consistently attended appointments. While the diet & supplements aided in strengthening my mind, there were a lot of trauma aspects and thoughts I needed to work through and reframe from the whole experience. I was dealing with Postpartum Depression & Anxiety and I needed to use all the tools I could to heal.

The most powerful tool I clung to throughout the treatment & recovery was our gracious Heavenly Father. I was afraid of silence and was constantly listening to hymns and Scripture. As the silence was filled with Him, it comforted and healed me. He was my anchor. Carrying so much shame, guilt, and fear made me feel so weak. The strength He was revealing to me, was not in me, but in HIM.

As I now write this testimony four years later and am pregnant with our second child, the Lord is still teaching me from this experience! I see now that God needed to teach me some things and prepare me for motherhood. Prior to this whole experience, I thought I was invincible. My pride, vanity, and arrogance were all signs of self-love and self-worship. How could I teach my child of God’s sacrificial love and our need to fully rely on Him if I was worshipping myself? So I thank God for this experience. Though it felt like a dark and scary time, there is so much light and growth that has come from it, for myself and others!

There is Help for You Too

During postpartum, I knew I needed help but it took me a while to fully grasp that I had Postpartum Depression & Anxiety. If you have experienced feelings or intrusive thoughts like I have, please know that you are not alone. Not only is the experience of pregnancy, birth, & newborn care physically and mentally challenging, but the hormonal changes in your body are significant as well. It took about a year for me to feel balanced again, even with all the lifestyle changes and therapy… our hormones just hold such a large role. So remember that there are other moms feeling the same way, and there are people that are eager and ready to help you. If you feel alone, message us through our Contact tab. And most importantly, talk to your Father God. Call on Him and cling to Him, speak or journal to Him. Listen to hymns and read His Word. Ask for a sound mind. “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” 2 Timothy‬ ‭1‬:‭7‬ 

He will carry you through this and there is beauty and growth on the other side as He strengthens each of us in our roles of mother. 

If you would like to hear more of this story and science behind our hormones, please listen or watch Dr. K’dee Crews and myself on this episode of The Brain People Podcast!

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/episode/0yCzmA6ohc9eMdceSw9qE0?si=j3Lan5KMQMumXK1i8jPqPw&t=577&ct=577

Youtube: https://youtu.be/Fomwko7EHAk?si=7v-Bt7a2mEtTXOF_

Written By: Genesis Villa-Nelson